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[Mar. 29th, 2010|06:44 pm] |
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So I hooked up with Eric. Completely stupid. He has a girlfriend, though he told me their breaking up, I don't believe it anymore. I haven't heard from him in two days and now, I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I dived right into this, no questions, no nothing. The first time we tried to have sex, I made him stop because it hurt and I got really really nervous. I don't know what it is about me, but after I get to a ceritan point I just can't go anymore. I get scared, I don't know what my bodys doing. Well after I made him stop I started to cry and he just took me into his arms it was so amazing. i really felt like he cared. I told him my problem and he wasn't made, He wants to get me to my first orgaism. And we were just laying in my bed and he looks at me and goes, "is it completly crazy that I more than like you." and thats when he told me he loves me. As much as I hate those couples who say I love you after three days, it was then that I knew what love is. I wont sit here and say that this is the first time I felt like this, because thats not true. This is how I felt about Jon. And regardless that Eric hasn't called me, I think it's made me love him more. I can't stop thinking about him. It's making work crazy, I can't think of anything but him. It's making me crazy, I'm scared, and hurt. and I want to believe that he didn't use me. It doesnt make sense that he used me, when I took him home the next day he made me met his family. I think he might just be waiting until he breaks up with erica. But I could be wrong, But in my gut I can feel that he loves me. I pray to god I am not wrong about this. I love him, as crazy and stupid as it sounds. Why does my life have to be so crazy. |
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[Dec. 2nd, 2009|04:55 pm] |
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| | According to you. | ] |
This is a change in pace for me. No more sad stupid entries. I've just had the best week with Tim. I haven't thought about any ex boyfriends. And he is so totally into me. I love it. He goes way out of his way to make sure I'm happy. I've never had that before. I haven't scared him away, in fact he hates being away from me, which I think is totally cute. I met his mom on sunday she seems really nice, and she's funny. :) He and my mom met and actaully talked last night. I made him dinner which was actually really good. It was fun playing housewife for a little while. And then I got my BFF to go with me to surprise him at work on Friday :) I think it'll be nice to see where he works. :) Not to metion he's always telling me how awesome the food is. |
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[Nov. 24th, 2009|11:57 am] |
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I'm deciding that this is where my fairytale will start. Its pretty great so far. |
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[Oct. 15th, 2009|11:18 pm] |
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ive done the first thing thats felt right all week too bad it wasnt very smart. |
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[Sep. 16th, 2009|10:58 am] |
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So you know how when you log on to face book it shows you the updates of your friends. Well I come to see that Jon is now dating some girl, I believe it's his ex. It just hurt. I guess thats the end of it.. I've been trying to deal with this for a while, and lately I've been having dreams about him, but it's over, I've got to accept it and move on, or I'm going to be stuck, like the way I was with Cameron.. UGH guys suck. |
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[Sep. 10th, 2009|07:11 pm] |
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Ugh I feel that every time I update, it's sad and depressing. I just never feel like updating whenever life is going good. I had a dream about Jon for the first time in a few months. I've been doing really well of not thinking about him, but my dream just felt so real, so good, and when I woke up and it hit me that it was just a dream I just cried. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I can't shake him, but I need too, and I want to. I'm very happy with Tom. He's everything I need. On a happier note, I'm going down to Cal U tomorrow and getting to see Tom, and meet all his friends, maybe if I meet them I wont be so freaked out when he doesnt have so much time for me. But I'm happy to see him, I'm going to try and clear my mind of Jon, and our awesome times together. I'm ready to make new memories with someone who isn't just going to lead me on. |
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[Aug. 27th, 2009|11:01 pm] |
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| |  lonely | ] |
So Tom's leaving for school in a couple days. I know it shouldn't bother me it's only about forty minutes from here.. but I just feel like we'll never be able to hang out, esp since I'm working 40 hours a week and going to school. And I don't expect him to come up here to see me all the time. His parents made it clear that they think we're getting to be too serious. I don't know yesterday was like "lets hate jess" day, with his parents. I didnt even do anything, I think they hold me respondable for him not being down at school right now, but I have nothing to do with his decision making. Ugh and I'm worried he'll find some smart pretty gril, down at school, she'll probably be blonde, and little. but lets hope it doesnt come to that. im just being overly paroniod. Not everyones going to leave me.
Anyyone wanna come share my bed tonight? I just want to be held. |
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[Aug. 18th, 2009|07:28 pm] |
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I dont have any idea whats wrong with me, i've spent the majority of the day, crying and being pissed. I just want someone to hold me.. ugh im such a drama queen. Can we say mood swings. |
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[Aug. 13th, 2009|01:23 am] |
I have no idea, why in the world I haven't been able to sleep. I've been home, well back in new caslte, and it just kinda makes me rest less. I miss having friends, kinda makes me miss high school, but not so much. I'm just coming to terms that I don't make friends easy. I wish I had my car back, I would not be here right now. I feel more alone, now that I'm in a house full of people, than being at my apt by myself.
I've been acting crazy around Tom, I just don't know what I'm suppose to be feeling, it was just a few weeks ago when Jon told me he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, and it just still really hurts. I don't know waht I was thinking getting involed in a realtionship that I knew (deep down), wouldn't be able to progress. And now I'm pretty much pushing everyone away. I just don't know how to be close with anyone anymore. Like I like Tom, but no way are we near the "I love you" part of our realtionship.. I am not going to fall head over heals for another man, so very quick. But we were hanging out the other night, and i'm the fucking smart girl that I am, was looking though one of his old scrap books and he just looked so cute, he totally wasn't paying attetion to me, but was just rushing around packing, and I was just in a whisper was like " I love you... (5 second pause) um how adoable you are." Like I'm some fucking mental case. Ugh I so quit. I'm so happy he's gone for four days, hopefully he'll forgot all about me being oh so stupid. |
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| New Place. |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|08:21 pm] |
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I just found out I have a bitch for a neighbor. I parked on the sidewalk cuz we were moving my stuff into the new apt, and this bitch was just like "do you mind not parking on MY sidewalk." I really looked at her and was like "oh I'm sorry did you pave it?" So I probably didnt make the best first impression but it was funny as fuck. |
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| sorry.. I've been being a bad friend. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|09:06 pm] |
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Becca, I'm sorry that I sorta, no I did blow you off. I didn't really mean to, my cell died, however I know thats not an excuse either. But I'll make it up to you I promise, Friday if you still want to go with me to get my tattoo. I'm leaving school early, so I should get to your house around 11. I love you and I truely am sorry. I miss you like crazy.
Jon, I am truely sorry for what I did to you as well. I know it doesnt seem like it but it broke my heart as well when I broke up with you. You are a great guy and if we were together for a longer time before we got split apart, it might've worked. If I've known you better it might've worked. But your too far away, and I'm way too needy/clingy to be in a long distance realtionship. I hope everything is going well with you.. I still think about you a lot. Not like it matters.. but I'm sure you'll always have a place in my heart. I just know you would've been that guy.. |
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[May. 27th, 2009|09:32 pm] |
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Ugh... as if my life couldn't get anymore complicated. Theres this guy at work that I've hung out with twice, and hes so nice... and he's close. I just dont know what to do. I really care about Jon, but if I'm crushing on other guys maybe its not so good that I'm still with him. Plus he's so far away its really hard for me to handle... ugh Im going to sleep before I crack. |
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| Breaking heart? |
[May. 17th, 2009|07:03 pm] |
I don't know what it is lately, maybe I'm over thinking or maybe something is really wrong. I used to think that this could work, that it would work, but now I'm not so sure. I mean I get that theres stuff in his past that would still effect him, and I understand that he doesn't want to talk to me about it, but now it's like no he doesn't want to talk to me. Like at all. I can't handle that on top of not seeing him, he's hurting me. I mean don't get me wrong I know I can be diffcult but if you really love someone then it shouldnt be too hard. I mean I know I push the people I care about the most, but me gettin sad about the distance isn't really a huge deal. I mean at least I talk to him about it, and I explain myslef. I try to let him, I try to stay as open as possible, but I'm scared that if I tell him, how he's acting is bothering me then he'll just want to leave. I don't know if he's completely healed up from his last girlfriend, I don't know if he does what I did and sees things about her in me. I mean when I first started dating again, everyone was like Cameron, idk maybe thats just the kinda of guy I'm attracted to. Because yes, Jon, he's a lot like Cameron and thats not a bad thing, I mean he has most of the good sides of Cameron, plus his own good things. But he's pushing me away. Like it's hard enough to be four hundred miles away, but to not even talk to me, even if its not about anything important... I just hate this lonely feeling buliding inside of me. He was never like this until he started writing his music again, I think his past is eating him up, and I'm just gonna end up like I always do. Well this is way too much emoitions for me to handle tonight...
I love him, I swear.. I guess this is what you deal with, what you'll go for, for someone who has your heart in their fist. |
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| Mommy? |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|06:53 pm] |
So Taylor and Rachel are both about to pop. It makes me want a baby ten times more. Jon and I have been talking well more like hinting about how we both want kids.. but we know we're not ready for them. But after the first time we had sex, you know we didn't use a condom and I'm not on the pill, but like he pulled out before anything was to happen.. but I've been having strange cravings for peanut butter which to totally not like me and I've been eating more.. more foods that i normally wouldn't want. So yeah I thought maybe I am pregent. I have mixed thoughts on that. I would love to have a baby right now.. more than anything... I feel ready for a baby of my own. I know what I'd do and what I wouldn't do. But I know money wise I am not stable enough for a baby. But be hold mother nature blessed me with my period. I'm pretty upset about that.
I just had a converstation with my mom about having kids. You know shes doing the whole mom thing and telling me to wait till I'm married. I know I should but I really don't want to. I really want a baby now.. ugh I know what is right, and what I want.. I hate that they clash. I would be so cute pregent, and I really think I'd make a great mom. And it's so early in our realtionship but Jon would make a good dad too, if you could just see him when we go out together. If he sees kids or babies he gets that look on his face like I do. We both want kids but we know we're not stable enough for them yet.
I told Jon about my false alarm, and he wondered why I didn't metion it before, when I first got nervous about it. I guess I just didn't want to freak him out. I was nervous and I didn't want that thought to scare him away too. But he said if I was he would've been exicted too. It kind of makes me want to actually try but I know we shouldn't. well I shouldn't because I wasnt going to tell him I was trying. But I'll behave and just wait.
I really want to be a mommy,its stupid. |
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| Home? |
[Apr. 21st, 2009|01:37 pm] |
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So I'm home. I came home, April eighth. I turnen twenty the day before graduating AIT, yes this time I graduated the first time. So over Christmas break I found out that Mike is dating another girl. Yeah it hurt because I was still all about him,writing him letters even though he wasn't writing me back. So I knew something was going on. In my last post I made it sound like I was madly in love with him, I think I was just lonely. And he always said the right things. It wasn't love, I knew that.. I just wanted so badly to be loved. You know, and I had this older man wrapped around my finger which is something I wasn't used to. It's nice when someone treats you better than you ever expected.
I went to see him, a few days ago. We laid on the couch and watched a movie, it was like old times. But we both know that we've found other people.. but he still pinned me against the wall... I pushed him away. I don't want to ruin things with Jon, esp. with Mike. I haven't seen him since and I don't really plan on it, unless its out in public or something. Maybe swing night?
It's nice to be home. I feel things are kind of weird with my friends though. I feel like things won't be the same. Maybe it's just me. Like when me and Becca hung out it was nice, but I feel like we're keeping things from each other.. Like how it was when we tried to be friends again after the whole Cameron thing. It took a while for us to have that same free feeling. Like I'm pretty sure she won't judge me, but I just feel like I can't open up to anyone so much. I've been gone for so long, I guess I thought everything would stop around here while I was gone. But I was wrong the world kept moving on. Maybe it was me who stopped. Like my life was at a stand still. Everything was the same at Basic; get up, do PT, eat, train, eat, classes or train, eat, personal time, sleep. AIT was even more easy; get up, Pt, eat, school, eat, school, weapons mantainece, eat, personal time, sleep. Then I get home, and I don't have a battle buddy any more. I was never alone for the las eight months there was always someone there. For the last three months I was always with Jon, always talking with him. And now he's 300 miles away, and he's busy so he doesn't have time to talk as much. And I'm just home, being lazy and fat. I don't know how to deal with the stress of the distance. I don't have anyone to really talk to it about, everyone's tired of hearing my whine about being away from him. So I'll just have to find a way to deal with it I guess.
Ehh, more to come later, my aunts home and I'm pretty sure she wants on her computer. |
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| ugh just kill me now. |
[May. 28th, 2008|12:09 pm] |
Well I got my wisdom teeth out on friday, along with my tounge and top lip got clipped. Idk people say that the wisdom teeth hurt coming out, but thats not what is bothering me, its the whole tounge thing. It's so swollen, and sore. I can't eat, hurts to drink. I've already lost about ten pounds just from not eating, it kinda bothers me.. I like food too much to deal with this, I tried to eat some scrambled eggs today, that didnt go too well. I've been feeling really sick the last two days, probably from all the meds and not eatting anything with them.. I feel like I need to throw up, but I'm too scared to. It's already a pain in the ass to brush my teeth.. And its hard to get around my tounge. And once again my grandpa is getting on my eatting habits, I cant even eat if I wanted to. I just want my mouth to be healed.
So I had fun at prom. I dance about the whole night, I got to hang out with a bunch of friends. It was good. I'm gald I went solo I didn't have to entertain a date.. It was a goodnight :) we all went camping after and I got drunk, ended up making out with Steve. I'm not complaining I had fun, but I'm not really expecting much to come from it, like I like being around him, but he leaves for basic at the end of June, and I leave in sept so I wont really get to see much of him. I like him a lot, never expected that, but I do.. Oh well I guess.
However Becca, Andrew, and Steve came to see me on sunday. :) We watched Zodic I really didnt pay too much attetion to it, I was on my meds so it made me sleepy. It was nice to see them, and Becca got her hair cut which looks great :)
well typing and reading is makin me sick so I guess this is all your gonna get for now. |
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[May. 11th, 2008|07:26 pm] |
Ugh so last night at work Camerons texting me.. well IMing me, since I have AIM on my phone, and he just talking and then he says I've changed. I laughed at him and did feel like fightin with him so I just was like whatever you say, since theres no point in even trying to reason with him. And then he was like "you've changed a lot from the jessi i knew" I lost it, how have i changed, why since I don't let him bring me down, or because i'm over him, and I didnt try to hurt myself the last time we broke up. He is so not worth it, he's a pathic excuse for a "man" he's 18 dating what a 16? year old. PLLLLLEASSSE like thats going to last since his expectaions for girls is insane and no one will ever live up to his standards and the ones that will wont waste their time on that peice of crap..
Well I guess I just wanted to rant about him... He just boils my blood.. |
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[May. 4th, 2008|06:58 pm] |
Yeah, so college isn't on my 'to do' list anymore, atleast not for another year. I've joined the Army national guard, and I think its the best thing I've decided to do with my life. I know it's going to be hard work but I'm okay with that.. actually that makes me want to do it more. Well lets see, Last week I hung out with Ryan, it was nice just talking to him. I learned a lot about him, and Ambers a lucky girl :) And then I went to the MEPS in Pitt where I had to take my test for the national guard, which i got a 56 on :) my recruited thought I couldn't score above a 50 well I showed him. I like Mike Maltarski, I'm the first girl he's recruited so that was an experience. I'm not going to go into all the details of my physical, but it wasn't too bad. I met a boy his names Alex, and I have the wrost habit of finding someone I really connect with, when I know I most likely won't ever see them again. But we still talk and he's going to be one of my many pen pals while I'm away at Basic training. He's given me a lot of insight about the army itself. Which is really helpful since I don't know a whooole lot about it. Hes a really nice kid. But I'm not really looking for anything serious since I ship out in Sept.
Then there was prom with Jordan, which I'm not going to lie I didnt have fun. Jordan just sat there the whole night like WTF. Then he told Ryan he pushed me off onto one of his friends, Like I was all over him or something. Ugh it pisses me off, But I looked great. |
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| ugh |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|04:24 pm] |
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Wayyy to be me. Gosh I made myself depressed today, not only did I decided hey, lets look at some old notes and my scrap book of me and Cameron, but I also decided to look at allll my old buddies from laurel's myspaces. Sometimes I wish i never moved, I wonder what would've been different. I wonder if I would belong better there. Because once again I have that sick feeling that I belong no where. I never have time for my bestie anymore because my work owns my soul, or days I can she's with her boy. Not that I mind that I just feel like I'm falling away from everyone once again. I hate keeping things to myself but the people I can talk to I hardly have any time for. Which sucks cuz I love them, maybe this summer will be better, but after summer then what?? Everyone's going off to college and what am I doing freaking going to BC3 not what I had in mind after highschool, but I guess you've got to start somewhere?? And I don't even know if I want to be a teacher anymore, all I ever hear about anymore is freaking school shootings it's scary.. Makes me wonder what I'm getting myself into, but I love English and its like the only thing I can see myself getting into.
I feel like going on a car ride, maybe clear my head a little?? |
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| boys. |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|10:28 pm] |
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so anyways, me and Jordan had this HUGE blow up today, I don't even know what started it. All i know is he's jealous over Matt?? I've known Matt for years and never thought of him as anything more than a friend. I really like Jordan, but I am not ready for a boyfriend. I'm just not. Cameron has made it really hard for me to trust anyone. I tried dating after him and that blew up in my face too, so i'm just tired of it, for now. I don't know what to do, or what I want out of life so this isnt easy on me either. Ugh I just, i'm so tired of all the drama... it neeeds to end. |
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depressed